I Have the Solution to the Phillies' Closer Problems

Ok, it finally dawned on me. With Brad Lidge having blown 10 saves this season and Ryan Madson having blown six saves, that's a lot of games lost or made unnecessarily more difficult to win than need be. Here's what we need to do to solve the problems that the Phillies have had with their closers this year:

Develop a "Biblical" plan to foil any attempt to finish the game when the Phillies are winning by three runs or less after eight full innings.

Allow me to clarify.

If the Phillies are winning after eight innings, something clearly needs to be done about eliminating that boorish and inconvenient ninth inning. I'm thinking that we need to unleash some pesky plagues to ensure that the 9th inning gets canceled altogether and the Phils leave the ballpark with a victory.

Perhaps one night after the eighth inning concludes, the lights mysteriously go off and won't go back on, and the darkness subsequently forces the umpires to call the game.

Or maybe Hurricane Schwartz can whip up an improptu hail storm to halt the game.

Locusts? Sure.

Frogs? Why not.

The point I'm making here is that we don't need anybody to be a hero and close a game out in the 9th inning. Instead, simply avoiding the ninth inning altogether would be fine and dandy by me. In other words, "Let my bullpen go."

Just Sayin'

Michael Vick has received some harsh criticism by Eagles fans ever since they signed him.

What he did was indeed downright disgraceful, but I personally wonder if it has something to do with the fact that people care more about their pets than their fellow human beings.

To wit, Brett Myers had an incident of hitting his wife in public (a case where charges have since been dropped), but now Philly fans are clamoring for him to pitch as a closer in place of the struggling Brad Lidge.

Eagles fans also went nuts when Cowboys' receiver Michael Irvin was taken off on a stretcher.

Let's not forget that our fair city's favorite sports icon is Rocky... a guy who punched meat and bloodied many an opponent (albeit in a fictional world).

And speaking of meat... that hamburger you're eating right now? Think about how much abuse that cow went through to get to your mouth.

I'd like to see us live in a more civilized world, but until then, let's at least be consistent in who we love and hate in this world.